Octopus FAQ (Frequently
How would you sum up an octopus in three words?
Vicious, vicious killers.
Vicious, vicious killers who know exactly what they’re doing!
Can’t legal means be brought to bear?
Unfortunately, no. Octopuses, as they well know, are technically outside
the reach of our laws.
"What Can I Do?"
It’s natural, after learning about what octopuses are really all
about, to want to help in the effort to defend against them. I’m afraid
that it may already be too late. But there are some things that we can
do, and the valiant power of the human spirit (and the American Spirit!)
are things that give us hope even in these times of woe. So what can you
do? Here are some ideas, drawn from the playbook of real-life:
- Spread the word.
- Put up signs in your neighborhood explaining what’s wrong and how
we’ve been misled by our own government. (It’s not unpatriotic to criticize
the government—what’s unpatriotic is not to care!)Here are some slogans
that you can use for signs:
- "The octopus is upon us!"
- "If you were an octopus, where would you hide? In the den
- "If squishy, squishable bodies are any indication of goodness,
then octopuses must be saints! But in fact it’s the opposite—they’re
- "Don’t leave your baby with the octopus!" (because it
might eat the baby)
- Be on the lookout for an octopus coming to get you—and if it comes
to get you, give it "a little grief!"
- Write to your member of Congress about the be-tentacled menace… but
don’t give away the game by showing that you know the real, honest truth!
They’re all in on it, up in Washington D.C.
- Arm yourself with sea-salt, often called "Octopus’s-Bane."
- Use Common Sense. I call this the "N.T.O. rule": Never Trust
an Octopus, like with your valuables, purse, etc. It is liable to eat
ANYTHING, up to and including a HUMAN BEING.
- Again, use common sense: would you leave your son or daughter with
a known killer? No? Then why would you leave him/her with a known octopus?!